By reputation, fathers can be tough to know. They might be men of few words. Or perhaps they prefer to dispense advice rather than talk about themselves. Rarely, it seems, are they open books.
I used to call my own dad the Explainer — he always had an easy answer for everything that puzzled me about the world. (Like: What is the difference between Jeffersonian and Hamiltonian democracy?)
But last year, I started to ask him different kinds of questions: What was the first major news story you remember from your childhood? What’s a song that always brings back a particular memory for you? How did having a child change you?
It can be intimidating to shift into a deeper register with your father. But it’s worth it — and we’re here to help.
For Father’s Day, The New York Times asked therapists, researchers, professional interviewers and famous dads to offer up questions that might lead to rewarding, revealing conversations between you and your dad.
The questions below are merely a starting point, and many of them can be asked of other important people in your life to bring you closer together. After you talk, we’d love to hear what you learned in the comments section.
Who were you before fatherhood?
When you were younger, who were your best friends and how did you spend your free time?
— Kier Gaines, therapist and author of “It All Starts When You Do: How to Do the Real Work of Self-Healing”
What was your role in your family when you were growing up? What were your siblings’ roles?
— Terry Real, therapist and author of “I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression”
When you were growing up, what was your idea of what a dad should be like?
— Bryce Dallas Howard, actor and director of the 2019 film “Dads”
Describe the house or apartment you grew up in. Where did you eat? Where did you play?
— Elizabeth Keating, author of “The Essential Questions,” a book about interviewing your family
How did you and Mom meet? Did you propose to her? Were you nervous? What did you say when you proposed?
— Terry Gross, host of NPR’s “Fresh Air”
What was your first job? Describe the setting.
— Elizabeth Keating
What’s it like being my dad?
Do you remember the first day you were alone with your baby? For how long?
— Bryce Dallas Howard
What is the best gift or compliment I’ve ever given you?
— Linda Nielsen, author of “Improving Father-Daughter Relationships”
Would my 30-year-old self like your 30-year-old self? Would we be friends?
— Natasha Cabrera, professor of human development and quantitative methodology at the University of Maryland
What were you stressed about when I was a kid?
— Chris Gethard, comedian who writes about fatherhood
How did your relationship with your dad influence the kind of parent you are?
— Linda Nielsen
What was the easiest and the most challenging age to parent?
— Kier Gaines
What good things from your childhood did you hope to pass down to me, and what did you hope to spare me?
— Scott Galloway, host of the podcast “The Prof G Show” and author of “Notes on Being a Man”
Do you have a memory of me lying to you or you lying to me?
— Mike Birbiglia, comedian and purveyor of dad jokes
How is life now?
What are some of the things that you find most fulfilling and meaningful in your life now? How does that compare with what you found most meaningful as a young man?
— Terry Gross
What’s the hardest thing about parenting an adult? What surprised you?
— Bryce Dallas Howard
As you got older, how did your priorities change?
— Scott Galloway
Did you see yourself becoming a man of this age? How is your life today different from how you imagined it would be?
— Kier Gaines
What are your goals for our relationship these days?
— Natasha Cabrera
I have more questions.
Who is the person in your life who you felt understood you the best?
— Scott Galloway
If you were going to get a part-time job in retirement, what would you be best at?
— Chris Gethard
What’s something you used to believe strongly, but have since changed your mind about?
— Elizabeth Keating
Are there things you wish you could say to your own father that you have never said?
— Terry Real
If you could spend one day with your child at a particular age again, which age would that be? What activities would you do together?
— Bryce Dallas Howard
What’s your deepest wish for me?
— Terry Real
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