I had no roadmap for even the type of grief that I was feeling because a lot of, most boys don’t feel this way. Most, you know, I don’t know how most other people feel about almost having a kid and a part, because most people don’t talk about that. Like most stories about wanting a kid and with having a kid, and I was just like, ‘But I have nothing.’ I just, I have nothing to hold on to in this whole experience of loss. I mean, yeah, you’re you’re articulating something very true and very tricky, because, you know, when we hear stories about someone, I mean, infertility, for example, is it is absolutely something people have to people struggle with. People aren’t able to have kids in the way they want to have kids for so many reasons. But because the three of you, you, your best friend, her partner were sort of charting this, you know, this, this non-traditional, non-nuclear family structure. You know, there was no roadmap for that family. You were building it. But then also, as you say, there was no roadmap for the loss. It took a long time, and I think all those feelings that I wouldn’t let come out were stopping me from the genuine joy of being an uncle. You know, I think grief, one of the funny things that grief did is and it did steal that joy, it did steal the joy of being able to be present for my friends, and experience this huge life transition that they had. I would like, get up and be like, ‘I’m going to see them and they’re,’ and I physically could not do it. Do you still want to be a parent? I’ll never move on from wanting to be a parent, not ever. You know, like I, I think one thing that Americans are really bad at dealing with is that life is inherently melancholy. That, that Americans are bad, like the French people, they’ve really got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.. – French people understand ennui, man, you know what I mean? You get one life and you get to be a parent or you don’t. And both of those are really hard. And I think seeing close friends parent burst, oh, it did not burst my, you know, the notion that I’ve wanted to be a dad, but I did, and just I do understand much more intimately what you give up. Yeah. You know, and, I’m just in a place of accepting that I’m a person who’s always wanted to be a parent who probably never will be.
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